Fun quotes:
While doing my required reading (I do manage to do that on occasion) I found the following quotes that my immature little brain must share:
"Come quickly now and take these cities in order that your troops may get booty!"
and further down on the same page in Redford Egypt, Canaan, and Israel in Ancient Times:
"The motivation and the situation from are alike optimal for postulating such an event: a strong Amorite state in the Levant, a weakened Egypt, the prospect of easy conquest and much booty."
I'll still giggle like a schoolgirl at that shit when I'm 80. Then again, there's a good chance I'll still be a schoolgirl when I'm 80.
Friday, January 23, 2004
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
The State of the Union
Oh, how many many ways this pissed me off. Anyway, because I'm bored and feel like procrastinating on the real work I have to do, I thought I would post excerpts from the State of the Union address with my own personal translations. The full transcript is available here
Excerpt 1:
Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give our homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists. (Applause.)
Translation: Ripping away your civil liberties turns out to be fun as well as personally rewarding. Since these methods are good for hunting criminals, they must be equally good for getting rid of damn commie liberals.
Excerpt 2:
Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. (Applause.) The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. (Applause.) Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens. You need to renew the Patriot Act. (Applause.)
Translation: Please, please don't realize what a mockery of the Constitution you made by passing it in the first place. And please, please, please, don't take away my really big stick.
Excerpt 3:
Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder.
Translation: We scared the piss out of Colonel Qadhafi.
Excerpt 4:
I've had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific to a mess hall in Baghdad.
Translation: Damn I'm cool.
Excerpt 5:
Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq. Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We're seeking all the facts. Already, the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations. Had we failed to act, the dictatator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq -- where hundreds of thousands of men and women and children vanished into the sands -- would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place. (Applause.)
Translation: Watch me attempt to gracefully dance around the fact that we still haven't actually found the weapons of mass destruction that we swore were there.
Excerpt 6:
From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.
Translation: Fuck the UN, fuck them right up their asses. Especially the French. We have the biggest stick on the playground and we're not afraid to wave it around to compensate for our incredibly small penises.
Excerpt 7:
To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian -- and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region. I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, and free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East.
Translation: To counteract hateful propaganda, we will introduce "nice" propaganda. And we'll even be nice enough to use the native languages of the regions we're innundating with American culture.
Excerpt 8:
America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom.
Translation: Empires are a pain to manage. Puppets are better. And you still get to blow stuff up.
Excerpt 9:
We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases.
Translation: If you try hard enough, you can deny that teenagers have sex and will continue to have sex regardless of what you tell them about abstinence.
Excerpt 10:
A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states.
Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage. (Applause.)
The outcome of this debate is important -- and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight. (Applause.)
Translation: This administration hates gay people, but in the nicest possible way.
Oh, how many many ways this pissed me off. Anyway, because I'm bored and feel like procrastinating on the real work I have to do, I thought I would post excerpts from the State of the Union address with my own personal translations. The full transcript is available here
Excerpt 1:
Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give our homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists. (Applause.)
Translation: Ripping away your civil liberties turns out to be fun as well as personally rewarding. Since these methods are good for hunting criminals, they must be equally good for getting rid of damn commie liberals.
Excerpt 2:
Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. (Applause.) The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. (Applause.) Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens. You need to renew the Patriot Act. (Applause.)
Translation: Please, please don't realize what a mockery of the Constitution you made by passing it in the first place. And please, please, please, don't take away my really big stick.
Excerpt 3:
Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder.
Translation: We scared the piss out of Colonel Qadhafi.
Excerpt 4:
I've had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific to a mess hall in Baghdad.
Translation: Damn I'm cool.
Excerpt 5:
Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq. Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We're seeking all the facts. Already, the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations. Had we failed to act, the dictatator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq -- where hundreds of thousands of men and women and children vanished into the sands -- would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place. (Applause.)
Translation: Watch me attempt to gracefully dance around the fact that we still haven't actually found the weapons of mass destruction that we swore were there.
Excerpt 6:
From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.
Translation: Fuck the UN, fuck them right up their asses. Especially the French. We have the biggest stick on the playground and we're not afraid to wave it around to compensate for our incredibly small penises.
Excerpt 7:
To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian -- and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region. I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, and free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East.
Translation: To counteract hateful propaganda, we will introduce "nice" propaganda. And we'll even be nice enough to use the native languages of the regions we're innundating with American culture.
Excerpt 8:
America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom.
Translation: Empires are a pain to manage. Puppets are better. And you still get to blow stuff up.
Excerpt 9:
We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases.
Translation: If you try hard enough, you can deny that teenagers have sex and will continue to have sex regardless of what you tell them about abstinence.
Excerpt 10:
A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states.
Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage. (Applause.)
The outcome of this debate is important -- and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight. (Applause.)
Translation: This administration hates gay people, but in the nicest possible way.
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